Regretfully Yours
by d3vilish
Summary: She would be marrying Pete... a sweet, gentle, funny, adorable man with only one flaw. He wasn't Jack.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:** I just had to write this one. Was feeling particularly down one night and just kept writing. As always, leave me a message and let me know what you think.

**Rated T ... **yes I know this is unusual of me... I promise not to make it a habit :P Will change the rating if I decide to add this story. (Updated the rating 07.19.08 since it deals with a few mature matters)

(Note: Rating updated to M as of 08.20.08)

**Spoilers? **Season 7/8.

Insert the I don't own any of characters speech here!

-- d3vilish

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**Regretfully Yours...**

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She held the tiny envelope for what seemed like an eternity sitting perched against the edge of her couch. Her eyes glanced over at the clock: 2:43 a.m.. Exactly three minutes after the last time she looked at the clock.

She knew what the contents were. She just couldn't bring herself to open it and have all of her fears confirmed. Her hands trembled. Flipping it back to the front of the envelope, confirming the guest name as if she had read it wrong the first thousand times since she had retrieved it from her mailbox. It was loud and clear in unusually neat writing: Johnathan O'Neill followed by his mailing address.

Emotions that were supposed to be tucked in the deepest corners of her heart were threatening to emerge from her eyes as she forcefully blinked away the tears. Did she really want to confirm its contents? Would the outcome somehow change if she opened it later? Sam knew the moment she left the invitation on his desk that he wouldn't come. Sam also knew that if she handed it to him directly that she would probably break down right then and there -- she would be asking the man that would do anything for her, to do the impossible... to attend her wedding to another man. She would become Mrs. Pete Shanahan, and he hadn't done anything to stop her.

She looked at the coffee table littered with other RSVP cards. All of them were opened and accounted for, but she just couldn't bring herself to open this one. She sat there in complete silence. How she managed to even face him after leaving the invitation so coldly on his desk was beyond her - it was the easiest way out. The easiest way to shield herself from another let down. Why hadn't he stopped her when she showed him the ring? And now, all the gears were turning. She would be marrying Pete, a sweet, gentle, funny, adorable man with only one flaw. He wasn't Jack. _Oh god... how did I let it get so far?_ Pete loved her... genuinely loved her. How could she turn that down? She didn't even know for sure if Jack had moved on or not. Sure she loved Pete. He was able to make her laugh. But Jack... Jack made her feel alive. She didn't even realize how in love with him she was until she delivered the invitation and retreated to her lab in complete and utter defeat. She had lost - the wall protecting her feelings for her CO had crumbled and she had no way of building it back up in time - the tears just streamed without reason. That was over two months ago.

And now, here she was. Sitting in complete seclusion for the past four hours wondering how she would ever face the answer scribbled on that little card. The RSVP card for her wedding. Was she making a mistake by marrying Pete? She loved Pete. _Right? _No matter how much she tried to convince herself that Pete was the man for her, she knew better. Yes, she was happy... but could she be happier? She would never know. Her fingers traced his name. Johnathan O'Neill. It was scribbled in black ink - a fountain pen she assumed, judging by the smudges. Sam had given him one for his promotion ceremony. He always had a bad habit of breaking pens. Perhaps it stemmed from his need to always be toying with them. She had it engraved - _Brigadier General Johnathan Jack O'Neill _on one side of the pen, _Sir_ on the other. It was the perfect symbol of their relationship - formal, yet comfortable.

And now their perfect little dance would be over with the phrase "I do." No more yearning glances, no more subtle gifts, no more wanting the regulations to disappear. That one phrase would forever sever their relationship. They were adults and needed to move on. But if they were truly adults, then why did it hurt so much and why couldn't she move on? Sam fidgeted with her thumbs; a single tear spilling onto the envelope before getting absorbed into the material, the ink outlining her tear as it ran from its dried constraints. The first of many had finally breached the barricade. Sam gave up trying to hold them back. Nothing could stop the fountain of pain.

The wedding was in a week. Seven days. In seven days she would be Pete's - living in _that _house. She would be Colonel Doctor Samantha Shanahan. She cringed at the sound of Samantha Shanahan. She hated how it sounded. There was something about Carter that she just couldn't let go of. Shanahan just didn't suit her. The turmoil fist around her throat got tighter as she swallowed the bitter reality. _Mrs. Shanahan._ God. Maybe she didn't have to change her last name? Who was she kidding - Carter was _his _name for her and she wanted to keep it that way _always_. Her heart pounded as her eyes darted across the room in a poor attempt at diverting her attention away from crying uncontrollably. God she loved him. So much. But it was too late for them. The RSVP card in her hands was proof of that.

_"It's not serious or anything." _Her own words echoed in the chaos of thoughts clouding her mind. Was he really happy that she was happy about something other than quarks? Did he really want her to move on? Or was she reading it all backwards? Sam paused. _Oh god._ Her head dropped into her hands. He had just wanted her to be happy. All along, she was calling the shots. And here she was asking Jack to come to her wedding - this was her choice... Pete - the man which was supposed to be a distraction for her - had managed to steal her from her silent protector.

She swallowed her pride, traced her fingers over what was left of his name -- her pain-filled tears washing the formality out of the envelope. She toyed with her engagement ring, sliding it on and off before finally deciding to rest it on the coffee table with the rest of her future. But all she cared about was now.

Exhaling, she ripped one side of the envelope open. Screwing her eyes shut she slipped the RSVP card out of the damp envelope. She held her breath for a lengthened moment remembering that she would eventually have to read the card. She opened her eyes and read his RSVP.

**Name(s): Brigadier General Johnathan Jack O'Neill **

**Number Attending: 0 **

She wasn't sure what hurt her the most - his stinging formality or the rejection of her invitation. Sam crumpled the card and envelope throwing it across the room before collapsing into the couch drowning the pillow with her sorrow. "God I love you Jack." she whispered into the pillow as her sobs continued to echo around her.

.

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_The end? _

_I'm still not sure if I should continue this story or not... what do you think?_

**Author's Note: **It seems like everyone wants the story to continue so I've decided to write a few more chapters. I've changed the rating to M since future chapters will most likely contain mature subject matter or language.

Thanks for reading guys! :)

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	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note:** This story is incredibly hard to write since I can only seem to add to when in a totally melancholy mood. I've decided to keep adding to it. I know where I want to go with it, it's just I have to wait for the right frame of mind before I can keep it going and have it believable. Thanks so much for the comments guys - it really does make an impact.

**Rated M ... **I've updated the rating since language and situations will most likely come into effect over the next chapter or so.

-- d3vilish

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**Regretfully Yours...**

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There it was. Sitting on his desk in _her _perfect writing. He went to reach for it and then changed his mind - hand returning to his arm rest as the other held his head up sitting back in his chair pivoting slightly. Replaying the day over and over as he stared at the object:

Walter had been babbling about all the personnel files that he would have to go through trailing close behind as Jack entered his office. Abruptly freezing short of his desk, Walter continued to run him through his never-ending array of duties. The words all melted into the background and all Jack could do was stare at that perfect white envelope sitting in the middle of his desk neatly placed so it would be the first thing he saw when he sat down. She made sure it was straight, facing upwards and centered. It was so like her. Perfect.

"_Pete gave me this."_

_Accepting the closed box, he confirmed its contents -- it was an expensive engagement ring. He must really love her – it's hard not to. "People usually wear these on their fingers you know." _

"_I haven't said yes."_

_Swallowing hard. "And yet – you haven't said no."_

_The snap of the box causing a ripple through the thickly-evident tension._

"_I told him I needed to think about it."  
_

"_And?"_

"_That was two weeks ago."_

She had said 'yes'. After weeks of holding him at bay, Carter had said yes.

A cold fist tightened around his heart as his jaw locked in place. _Yes._ To him? The background noise was a lot quieter. _Walter. Right._ Swallowing hard, he remembered to offer his token "thank you Sergeant"… the words to dismiss Walter somehow eluding him. They came out spaced out and lost. But that's how he felt. Like the world around him was changing, the people he knew were moving on and there he was going through personnel files.

That was eight and a half weeks ago. Opening it would mean the start of something for Sam; the end of _them _for Jack.

A sharp knock on the door broke his concentration.

"Hey Jack."

"Daniel."

"Oh I see you got Sam's wedding invitation. You didn't happen to see her did you?"

He shook his head adding a silent "No." while still avoiding Daniel's gaze.

"Damn, I was hoping to catch her before she left today." Daniel said walking further into the office completely missing Jack's uninviting mood.

"Try her lab - you know how she gets once she starts one of her science projects." Jack tried his best to keep his nonchalant tone.

"I was just there. No sign of her." Daniel still completely oblivious to the salt being rubbed into Jack's wound. "Anyways, I just wanted to give her my RSVP card..." he toyed with the small card indicating what he was talking about before noticing Jack's invitation. "Wait-a-minute Jack, you haven't RSVP'd yet?! You realize that you're supposed to RSVP by today right?"

"I know that." He lied. "You're waiting till the last minute to give her your RSVP card."

"Yes. But I've at least opened the invitation!"

"I've been busy!" indicating the mounds of paperwork on his desk.

"Well," Daniel's tone still not satisfied, "If you see her can you tell her I'm looking for her?"

"Yea. Sure."

Following Daniel with his eyes, he sat there in silence. She had moved on although every fiber in his body told him otherwise. It was her idea to keep it in the room and now it was her locking the door and throwing away the proverbial key. Jack grabbed the invitation from his desk and proceeded to open it. Harshly ripping the envelope and searching for the little card as quickly as he could while trying to avoid most of the invitation as possible was his childish way of getting rid of the pain. _How could she ask him to come to her wedding?_ Not even reading the card he filled in his RSVP information, the ink bleeding with anger and then smudged in haste. It was over. The RSVP was filled in. Maybe the thought of not filling in the little card was his way of holding onto whatever strand of feelings were left between them… signing it would be severing the last fragile one. And yet he did it… and hated himself for it. He needed to get out. Get away before the echo of his thoughts and knocking against his ribs grew impossibly louder. Shooting up from his chair he grabbed the little card and his keys racing to the surface for air. The elevator constraints were nothing compared to the anchor weighing down his heart.

_Fine. Carter wants to end this…let's end it._

His fists fiercely gripped the steering wheel as he sped away from Cheyanne Mountain.

He dropped the card off in her mailbox hoping that she would either be sleeping or not home. Her car wasn't parked in the front; she was probably out with Pete. Just the thought of him made Jack pissed. Placing the small card in the box, he turned to look back at her house one last time. "Goodbye Carter."

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... to be continued...

Review me. Why not? If you got to chapter 2, I must be doing something right :)

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	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note:** a very overdue chapter... it's twice as long as normal since I've been absolutely horrible at updating. I do apologize guys! ;)

-- d3vilish

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**Regretfully Yours...**

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He had been short with her – rude even - ever since she left the wedding invitation on his desk.

_"Sir, if he was on board that Replicator ship when…"_

_"Carter – we don't know anything!" he snapped cutting her off._

_She felt like she was being reprimanded. "No, sir." She backed down knowing how fierce he could be in one of his moods._

_"Anything else?" He dismissed her flatly._

_Swallowing his cold gesture to leave, she managed a "no, sir"._

She wanted to end this, so that's what he was doing. Treating her like every other officer on the base. Only she wasn't. She was much more than that. And she just went and let it all go.

He stared at the half-empty bottle in front of him. Drowning the memories of her in beer as he drank one after another was the only way he could try to forget how much of an ass he'd been. And as much as it killed him, he knew he was just going to be that much of an ass to her tomorrow and the next day until the day she got married. He was too damn proud to show how hurt he was. And yet everyone on the base knew it but him.

"Fuck it." He muttered to himself before finishing off the bottle.

"Fuck what?"

Looking to his side he noticed her approach between the clouds of smoke in the dimly lit bar. "Miss Johnson," tipping his head and beer bottle in acknowledgment.

"Mind if I join you?"

"A beer for the lady." He ordered. Taking that as an invitation, she sat beside him. She wasn't dressed too provocatively – probably not looking to get laid Jack decided. "So, what brings you to my neck of the woods…Colorado Springs?"

"I just arrived actually. After meeting with your superiors yesterday, they thought you'd be the better person to fill me in on a few more details that were skimmed over during our last meeting."

"Ah. Well Walter usually books my appointments." He offered through a tight-lipped smile. He wasn't up to talking tonight. He just wanted to finish his drinks… several of them… before heading home for the night.

"No offense General, but I didn't come here looking for you." That caught his attention as a curious eyebrow raised.

"Oh?" he swiveled on his chair and turned to face her. "And what exactly Miss Johnson did you come here for?"

She picked up the cold beer bottle on the counter, "I came here for this." She offered him a cheeky smile. "Cheers." She said before taking a large swig of beer. He smiled at her - she was cute. Very cute. And independent with a hint of sassiness.

"Look, Miss –"

"Kerry."

"Kerry – I just wanted to have a quiet drink and head home. I've had a rough few days."

"That's fine with me – I like my men quiet." She winked at him with that large adorable grin of hers. She was witty and playful and no doubt a sex kitten in bed. "Anyways, General, I'll be seeing you tomorrow to mull over the details. Have a good night." She stood up, chugged the rest of her beer and folded her jacket over her arm.

"Jack." He corrected her. "Stay if you want." He barely whispered, eyes locking on hers. He could see the hesitation cross her face as she assessed the situation. Standard procedure.

"Darts?" She offered instead.

Even after seven beers, Jack still had amazing aim. He kept picturing Shanahan's head on the board as each and every one of his darts pieced a hole into that rent-a-cop's face. Oddly enough, he had started to enjoy Kerry's company and let some of his anger go. Kerry had just finished her third beer and the awkwardness had long since faded.

"You sure you want to lose again?" Jack teased as a cocky grin swept across his face pulling out the darts from the worn out board.

"Ah, but you see, you have the home advantage." She quickly returned. "And the height advantage too…" smiling at him. She was an average 5"5 – 5"7 with her heels. Curly hair possibly adding an inch or so but even still was a fair dart player.

"So does that mean you give up?!"

"Usually not, but since we've been playing for two hours, I think I'm going to call it quits." Tossing her jacket back on she added, "Don't worry, we can have a re-match tomorrow night if you're that worried about it!"

They laughed as Jack walked her out of the bar and to her car. The night was a little chilly, but clear skies as usual. "This is me." Kerry said approaching her rental car near the back of the lot. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"I really had fun tonight – it's been a while for me. I forgot what it was like to just…"

"… lose at darts?!" He cut her off. Kerry playfully punched him in the shoulder as he ducked to the side anticipating her move. "Hey any time you want someone to lose to, call me up."

Laughing, she leaned in to kiss his cheek. "Thanks Jack." She had been sweet to stay with him despite his rotten mood. Before she could pull away Jack dipped his head to capture her lips with his kissing her softly. She smelled amazing and he just wasn't quite ready to let her go yet. They remained in the parking lot making out against her car – her arms wrapped around his neck; his large hands on her waist with no one in sight to witness them.

She pulled away, breathless with her heart pounding in her chest. He was truly a handsome man, irresistible and absolutely charming in his boyish manner. Not to mention one hell of a kisser.

Resting his head against hers, he broke the silence. "I think it would be best if the SGC didn't know about us." Her eyes widened. "…that is if you want there to be an us." Indirect didn't work with Carter, time to try something new.

"As long as 'us' doesn't affect the job General."

"No ma'am." She smiled, kissed him again and finally got into her car and left him standing in the parking lot. Kerry was the rebound girl and he knew it. She was confident, talkative, assertive… she was everything that Carter wasn't and for a brief moment tonight, he had forgotten about the vice grip she had on his heart.

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He found his house dark and lonely – just the way he left it in the morning. Without turning on any lights, Jack made his way to his living room.

"Ah fuck!" A sharp pain ran through the bottom of his foot. Hitting the closest light switch, he realized he'd stepped on a ridged beer bottle cap. It had been a rough few days – the house was a mess and bottle caps littered the floors. He'd clean it eventually. Just not now. He was slipping back into his state of depression. Seven beers and a make out session later and he still couldn't get rid of her. She haunted him. Even in Kerry he saw the absence of her. Kicking the cap out of the way Jack grabbed another beer from the kitchen and sunk into the couch. Flipping on the TV, he watched absentmindedly as his mind wandered.

He thought about all of the simple moments. Like her promotion to Lieutenant Colonel. She had this gleam in her eyes. A gleam he thought was only for him. Or just before he jumped into the stasis pod at the Antarctica Outpost – he thought it would be the last time he saw her again. The depth of emotions hidden behind her stunningly blue eyes…

Maybe it was all just bullshit. Maybe they had fun flirting with each other over the years. And maybe that's all it was.

He downed the rest of his beer. Although his vision was getting a bit blurred, his thoughts were still emerging in full force. He grabbed a notepad and a pen and began to scribble.

**Dearest Carter,**

**There are so many things that I want to tell you. Given that your wedding is in a few days and you have undoubtedly received my RSVP card indicating my absence I felt the need to explain. Unfortunately my better judgment is telling me not to give you this letter - if you're reading this then I must have gotten past that phase.**

**The first thing that I have wanted to tell you for some time now is that I always want you to be happy where ever you are. I'm sure Pete makes you happy and I guess that's all that's really important.**

**Despite my previous claim, you and I both know why I can't come to your wedding.**

**There's no point denying these feelings anymore - they're there between us and have been for quite some time now. I guess I was just holding onto some tiny part of 'us' in the past few weeks... holding onto the thought that however impossible our situation was that there could be some tiny way in hell we could make it work. It seemed unreal and it was selfish of me to think that your time with Pete would pass.**

**I was mad at you for a long time. And then I realized that I had no right to put this all on you when we were both involved in this childish game of cat and mouse which eventually resulted in the mouse escaping despite the tight grip the cat had on it.**

**I'm not even sure if any of this makes a difference, but I wanted you to know that I would never deliberately try to hurt you Carter.**

**There were so many times that I wanted to bring you to my cabin, away from the SGC, just so I could tell you how I felt... show you how I felt about you. Regs aside, that's always been the same. Letting go of the simple life on P3R-118 ****when we were allowed to be close, allowed to be attracted to one another was probably one of the hardest things I've had to do in a long time.**

**But all of that is behind us now. Only for me... it isn't. And that is exactly why I can't attend your wedding.**

**He seems like a good guy. I've already had my chance at happiness - it's your turn now.**

**Be happy Carter.**

**Regretfully and always yours,**

**Sir.**

He finished the letter letting all of his emotions spill onto that page only to be sealed in an envelope again. He scribbled "Carter" on the front of the envelope before falling asleep on the couch – his emotions symbolically enveloped by her. He wanted to yell at her, tell her that her love for Pete was all bullshit. He wanted to blame her for throwing everything that was between them aside. Most of all, he wanted her and no amount of yelling or screaming or beer was going to accomplish that. He had lost. And Kerry was the only way he could let go.

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_...to be continued..._

**A/N: Thanks****to Kent Rigel for catching my mistake ;)  
**

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	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note:** Posted another chapter... I've made this one a bit lighter than the previous three. Let me know what you think ;)

-- d3vilish

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**Regretfully Yours...**

**

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**Eight. The damn phone had rang eight times! She had hoped the person on the other end would have given up by now, but unfortunately not. It was her day off for cryin' out loud. The ringing stopped. _Finally!!_

A moment of silence passed as she began to relax into her pillow again.

Ring.

_Fuck_. It was her cell phone. Whoever it was…they were not giving up. Her head was still buried in the pillow as she answered, "Mmmh. Carter."

"Sam? Hey, what took you so long?"

"Pete?"

"Yea."

"Mm… what time is it?!" She shifted in the sheets stretching off the abrupt awakening.

"7:00." Yes she loved the man, but right now, she wanted to kill him. "Hey I was thinking about dropping by and making some breakfast before we went to check out the reception hall. Oh and I wanted to confirm our appointment with the florist for Thursday at 10 – you still have the day off right?" _Shit!_ She had slept in. _Shit. Shit. Shit._

"Ugh, I'm sorry Pete. Teal'C is returning today and I need to be there to debrief him. Can we talk about this later?" She lied – Teal'C was still on Da'kara with the newly freed Jaffa. Right now she just didn't want to deal with any of the men in her life she just wanted to go back to being able to tinker with her little science projects… back to her life when it was just simple. The pressures of the wedding were just setting in – more accurately the pressures of _forever _had her second guessing the whole thing_._

"Um, yea, sure…" disappointment in his voice, "…so then what should I tell her?"

"Who?" She answered still somewhere between sleep and awake.

"The florist."

"Right. Yea, sure keep the appointment for Thursday."

Still not sounding completely convinced, he bit his lip hesitating before adding, "You'll be there won't you?" He could hear her shifting in bed, no doubt missing the concern in his voice.

"Pete – yes, I'll be there. I really have to run, I'm already late. I'll call you tonight. Bye." Without waiting for a reply Sam snapped her phone shut and jumped out of bed. She was hoping to catch Jack alone to talk to him about having a memorial service for Daniel. The loss had been hard on her. Daniel was always there to listen especially since Janet passed away. And now? Jack wasn't there for her the way he used to be and Teal'C was off world. She just needed some kind of closure -- some peace of mind so she could finally break down and just let Daniel go.

She sat in her lab for an hour trying to think of the best way to bring up the Daniel situation again. Sam hated the idea of having to talk to General O'Neill about this – she hated it even more when he shut her down the last time they talked about Daniel. He had really detached himself since Daniel's capture – he'd been completely absorbed in his work which was highly uncharacteristic of him. He hadn't been by her lab in more than a month to annoy her. But then again, the situation with Anubis and the replicators had the base on high alert. It's possible he just had a lot on his mind.

No matter how much she justified Jack's behaviour, something didn't quite add up… she just couldn't help but feel like his icy attitude lately was directed towards her… and only her. Swallowing hard, she tried not to let her mind wander to the wave of emotions surrounding her CO. They would come crashing down and that was the last thing she needed right now.

With a large sigh and heavy heart she left for Jack's office.

* * *

"So rematch tonight?"

"Only if you think you can handle it." He smiled as he walked her out of the office. Kerry really did have a way of numbing his anger. Or maybe it was the combination of beer and Kerry. Either way, it made him breathe a bit easier knowing that he was able to feel attracted to someone else, someone new…someone that wasn't Carter.

"See you tonight then – I'll meet you there since I have a few errands to run. But General…" He lifted an eyebrow. "…step up your game this time." He couldn't wait to get his tongue between those lips again.

Rounding the corner Sam was a little more than shocked to see a woman in Jack's office -- red hair, early thirties, fairly attractive with quite an interest in what the General was saying. She'd never seen her before. Definitely not air force. Not even military. This woman who had General Jack O'Neill smiling was provoking millions of questions.

Sam remembered when he would smile at her like that… she'd forgotten how much younger he looked when he smiled. It had been quite some time. Stopping awkwardly at the briefing room table, she wasn't sure if she should turn around or just wait until he was finished. She felt like she was spying on him – witnessing something a bit more personal than just another meeting. They seemed comfortable with each other – like the way they _used _to be. Before she could change her mind and get the hell out of there, Jack motioned that it was okay for her to come.

Trying desperately to purge all thoughts of what she'd just witnessed Sam rehearsed her objective: _ Just talk to him about Daniel. That's why you're here. Ask about Daniel and then leave._ She couldn't help but wonder who she was or how they knew each other. _The real question being how the hell does she have clearance to the SGC?_

"Sorry sir, I saw you were with someone and I didn't want to interrupt." He nodded slightly, eyes locked on the file in front of him. She couldn't remember a time that he found reading personnel files so interesting.

"What's up?" Eyes finally glancing upwards at her.

"Who was that?" _So much for sticking with your plan._

"Um Kerry Johnson. CIA." His fuse was getting shorter. He knew he was being an ass. He knew she deserved an answer. They both knew that this wall would be up as long as Sam's ring finger was occupied. She belonged to someone else – he didn't need to explain himself to anyone – least of all her.

"I've heard the name... oh she was heading up the investigation with the Goa'uld at large after the incident with the Trust."

"Yeah."

Short – yet again. Jack was just too proud to let her know that he was at fault. Too proud to tell her that he just couldn't do this anymore and needed to detach himself completely from her. He had been seriously contemplating re-assignment the past few nights just to get away from seeing her every day.

Quickly realizing that she wasn't going to be getting any more details, she opted for the real reason she came to talk to him. "Sir, I wanted to talk to you about – "

" – Carter."

Holding her ground this time, "We haven't heard from him in a week!"

"Doesn't mean anything." He snapped.

She tried arguing – she failed. He was not giving her an inch – the General's mind was made up and that was the end of it. Sam swallowed hard realizing how much of this General O'Neill reminded her of her father – a stubborn military ass. If she wasn't such the obedient soldier she would have told him to fuck off for being such an outrageously self-centered, selfish asshole. But she wasn't. And she would never cross that line even if it meant picking up the pieces of herself and moving on.

"Oh and Carter…"

She turned her head back as she stood in the doorway not really caring or wanting to hear what he had to say next. Having your back to a superior officer while they addressed you wasn't exactly standard procedure but her will to play by the rules was quickly diminishing. "Sir?"

"Pete has been cleared. Jacob will be here within the hour."

Her heart dropped in its place finally making an effort to face her CO. "Pete, sir?"

"Yes…" fumbling through a bunch of files on his desk, he finally pulled one out. "Ah, here's the memo. You requested to bring Pete on the base – he's been cleared."

_Shit!_ She had forgotten all about wanting Pete to meet her father before the wedding. Failing to hide the look of hesitation, she nodded and retreated back to her lab. This day had just gotten a whole lot worse.

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_...to be continued..._

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	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note:** another very overdue chapter...

-- d3vilish

* * *

**Regretfully Yours...**

* * *

Her stomach was in a knot – Sam tried her hardest to calm down, the nervousness causing pangs of anxiety clawing at the pit of her stomach. Picking up the phone, she began to dial Pete's cell before hanging back up. _Just relax Sam. There's no big deal. It's just dad…pick up the phone and call Pete._ Closing her eyes tightly, she rubbed her sweaty palms against the legs of her pants. The last time she felt this nervous was during her Ph.D defence. She hated herself for not wanting Pete to meet her dad. No matter which guy she chose, he was never good enough for Jacob. He would intimidate her boyfriends, make them feel awkward at best and then shoot her a wordless glance reading "Sam, are you serious?" Prolonging the inevitable wasn't going to change the fact that her dad would silently tear Pete to shreds. Exhaling slowly, Sam picked up the phone and dialled again wanting so badly to get his voice mail instead. Just one more ring and it would ...

"Hello?" _Damn._

"Pete."

"Sam?" He smiled. She'd been distant lately and he was dying to talk to her about the meetings he'd had with the reception hall owners. "Hey, I was just thinking about calling you – I have a bunch of …"

" – Pete, can you meet me at the SGC?" She cut him off mid sentence… seemed to be the theme of the day.

"Is everything all right?" Concern in his voice – she sounded different – rushed. Not her usual calm collected self.

"Everything's fine. I just have something I, um, that I need to show you."

Silence.

"Pete?"

"You're not pregnant are you?" Laughing at how the entire conversation was playing out, her mood lightened up a bit.

"No, it's nothing like that." He could feel her smile through the phone. "Think you can swing by the SGC for a bit?"

"Sure – I can be there in thirty minutes. You sure everything's alright?"

"Yea, everything's fine. Just a little busy that's all."

"Alright, love you Sam."

"Yea, me too. See you soon. Bye."

.

* * *

.

He stared at the blank page on his laptop for more than thirty minutes without typing a word. Seeing Carter after her marriage would be hard. And she did not deserve the treatment that he was giving her… that he would continue to give her. What would happen when she got pregnant and came to ask him for maternity leave? He didn't even want to think about it. He was an ass. He was an ass and he knew it. Even worse – he was an ass and he wanted _her_ to know it – wanted to punish her for making the wrong choice. His ego and pride were the only things keeping him from banging down Carter's door and apologizing profusely for hurting her the way he'd been. But it was his ego that kept reminding him of how she turned their love into a non-existent entity that was easily discarded. His anger outweighed his guilt. He wiped his face. The decision had been made.

**Dear General Hammond,**

**After long and careful deliberation, I am pleased to inform you that I have decided to accept your offer to transfer to Washington. I think a change of scenery is exactly what I need.**

**Warmest Regards,**

**Jack O'Neill**

He slammed his laptop closed, hastily signed his name on the hard copy and barked for Walter.

"Yessir?" His head popped in the door.

"Mail this to General Hammond – I want him to get this first thing tomorrow at the absolute _latest_."

"Yessir."

"Oh and Walter."

"Yessir."

"Have Pete Shanahan escorted to the surface as _**soon**_ as his meeting with Jacob is over."

"Yessir."

.

* * *

.

She rocked uneasily on the balls of her feet. He was on his way down - security had already cleared him. Sam felt like she was taking a lamb to its slaughter. Maybe things would be different now that Sam had more of a relationship with her father. Or maybe Selmak would hold him back from saying anything too intimidating. But Jacob Carter didn't need to say anything to be intimidating. It was in the way he stood - in the way his eyes could pick apart every detail of a person in just one glance.

"Hey!"

"Hi! Thank you, Airman." The kiss on the cheek took her by surprise. Although all of her friends at the SGC knew she was getting married to Pete, she still felt uncomfortable publicly showing her feelings for him.

"So, this is exciting! What's the surprise?"

...

"Pete Shanahan – Jacob Carter. Dad, this is Pete." She swallowed hard preparing herself for yet another disaster.

"Dad!" Deer-in-headlights just didn't quite capture the look on Pete's face.

"Not quite yet. You have to actually marry my daughter before you can call me that."

"I was just ... I meant, ... stammer, stammer! It's an honour to meet you, sir, really. " She was hoping that Pete's farm boy innocence would somehow get him some pity points from her dad. "This is great! You've really got one of those things in your head?" Sam's head dropped in embarrassment. Yep, this was her Pete. The man she was going to marry.

"If, by "one of those things", you mean a two thousand year old Tok'ra symbiote, yes." Jacob was less than amused.

"Seriously?! Come on! That has gotta freak you right out sometimes! It's weird!"

And there it was, the Sam-this-is-him-Are-you-serious head tilt - the look severing the innocent lamb from its body. Sam knew this would end in disaster. Pete was a record - this was _the _shortest introduction that any of her boyfriends had ever had.

.

* * *

.

He tried desperately to concentrate on the file he was reading, but it always reverted back to a blank stare. The words would all faze into the background and Jack was once again left with his hate. His jaw locked in place. He hated the thought of that little prick coming to the SGC - coming to meet Jacob. The SGC was what kept him and Carter close. They both had this secret life together and now... now it would be shared with that rent a cop. Maybe he could shoot Thor a call and beam Shanahan away. Or better yet send him to the replicator home world. Damn... too bad they already conquered all those little buggers in their galaxy.

A sharp knock at the door interrupted the only thoughts that made him a little less unbearable each day.

"Come." He barked.

"We need to talk."

"Jacob. Buddy. Nice to see you too." Jacob closed the door and took a seat ignoring Jack's bitter sarcasm. "What can I do for you Jacob?"

"What do you think of Pete?"

Faltering at Jacob's penetrating gaze, Jack tried the diplomatic route, *cough* "I think he loves Sam..."

"I didn't come here to ask you if you thought that he loved her - I asked you what you thought of him?"

"More importantly though is what do _you _think of Pete."

"Jack, I don't have a lot of patience for games."

Realizing he was going no where with yet another stubborn Carter, he bit the bullet. "I think he's a little rough around the edges, but I'm sure in time he'll grow on you."

"Has he grown on you?" Diverting his eyes downward Jack knew the cringe in his jaw line was a dead give away. "Look, Jack - Sam is getting married next week. I'm going to walk my only daughter down the aisle and give her away to Pete. I just need to know that he's good enough for my daughter. I just need to know that she's in good hands."

It stung. Like a bitch. Jacob would be giving his only daughter away to a stalker… away to someone that wasn't him. Jack wasn't exactly sure how to recover from the sharpness of the truth. All seriousness set in as he swallowed his self pity, "Look, Jacob..."

"Jack - I'm asking you as a friend. You know my daughter better than anyone..." He finally met the sincerity in Jacob's eyes. "I need to know - is Sam making a mistake?"

Sam had made her choice. Jack had already been faced with that simple fact weeks ago. He was already dealing with it. "I think that Sam is a smart girl, and that Pete makes her happy. I'd trust her to make the right choice."

And there it was. His admission. Even for a seasoned air force General, Jacob couldn't hide the fact that he just heard exactly what he came to hear. "The right choice…and what choice would that be?" His serious tone picking up slightly in amusement.

"I just meant it seems like she's made up her mind about Pete."

"Ah. Of course." Standing, he made his way to the door before adding, "Oh and Jack – we'll be seeing you at the wedding right?"

* * *

_...to be continued..._

**Author's Note: **Lots of angst to come!

P.S. - thanks so much for the reviews, your words of encouragement _really _mean a lot. I know I know, I'm an ass for taking so long to update. I promise to be more timely. Exams are almost over and I will be writing after this Saturday :) Btw, thanks to VinterNatt for catching a typo!

* * *


	6. Chapter 6

* * *

**Regretfully Yours...**

* * *

"Hey babe." There was that horrid word again. _Babe. _She was no man's babe – not now not ever. Jonas used to call her babe and she had hated it ever since. He planted a kiss on her lips as she walked in, completely oblivious to her inward hate of his pet name for her.

"Pete?" She didn't know why she was surprised to see him in her house. His car had been out front when she pulled in. She was silently hoping that he was already asleep – she really wasn't up for wedding discussions. The TV was on – she could hear it from the front door – she never understood why he had to crank the volume up. _So much for a quiet evening._ As much as she loved having someone to come home to on some evenings, tonight she just wanted her space. She just wanted to take a nice relaxing shower, curl into bed and sleep.

"Oh hey, I was just going over the seating plan." Sam followed him into the living room where all the RSVP cards were still scattered on the coffee table. "Come take a look." He really was oblivious at times – she just wished he was a mind reader and would leave her alone. Moving the half empty bag of chips from the couch, he motioned for her to sit next to him. Sinking into the couch she cringed at the empty beer bottles left littered around. He didn't seem to notice the mess surrounding him as he began to explain all the work he'd been doing with the seating plan. She smiled and nodded at his suggestions often adding a word here or there ensuring him that she was listening.

She was grateful for his help and for his understanding about the many demands her job had on her time. Giving up her job had been a hot discussion topic between them lately – one Sam often avoided at all costs. She loved her job. But her life would soon become _their_ life and she would have to let him have a say... eventually. Even knowing that they would have a say in each others life in just a few short days, she still wanted no part of planning this wedding… now that she knew her heart belong to someone else. Could they somehow make it work or was she being irrational and letting her fantasy about her CO ruin her only chance at happiness?

Her eyes swept the table and stopped dead at a crumpled little piece of paper recognizing it immediately. Her heart dropped. Pete had found Jack's RSVP card – the one she had crumpled and tossed across the room. It had since been smoothed and placed on the table with all the others. _Shit. _Now he really knew something was wrong with her – even after countless attempts at avoiding his questions to get her to open up to him. She would normally just cover it up with "_you know I can't talk about work_" and he would usually just drop it. But the tear stained RSVP card? How would she avoid talking about the fact she crumpled it up, tossed it to the other side of the room during a breakdown of emotions that only led her to one conclusion – she loved her CO. _This was bad._ Her pain had been dismissed in that single piece of paper and now it was back to haunt her yet again. Maybe there was a chance that he hadn't noticed the tear stains? The card was placed face down on the table… there might have been a chance that Pete didn't look too far into it. "Sam?"

"Hm?" She quickly changed her gaze before Pete caught on.

"Is this okay?"

"What?"

"The seating plan. I just asked you if it was okay." Now he was concerned. She looked tired, distracted and even a little depressed. She'd been this way for a while now and he just hoped that it was work related.

"I'm sorry, I must have drifted off." She shot him an apologetic glance. Sam turned the scribble ridden seating plan toward her, absently glanced over the details and told him it was perfect.

He gave her that naive innocent smile, the one that made her laugh. Although this time she only managed a faint smile. Pete moved in to kiss her. A wave of guilt swept over her. She felt like she was cheating on him – how could she kiss this man while she was feeling so lousy about another? Not just any other. The man she secretly lusted after for years – the same man that all the other Samantha Carter's ended up marrying. She swallowed thickly before moving her head to the side to avoid his kiss. "Coffee?" She offered quickly. Shooting up off the couch she moved toward the kitchen – she needed space, now. No matter how much she tried to pry herself just a little loose of the iron grip Jack had on her, she couldn't forget.

It didn't take long for Pete to follow her to the kitchen. Sam was so focused that she didn't even hear Pete's loud footsteps. He had a heavy step, one that often woke her up on mornings. It was the feel of the heat from his body behind her that notified her of his presence. Closing her eyes she knew it was going to be one of _those_ nights. His hands traced her arms from shoulders down to her hands which were still pressed flat against the counter. Cold lips met the groove in her neck sending a shudder of guilt through her body. Pete smiled against her skin mistaking her shiver for anticipation. She needed to get away… now.

"Pete." He didn't stop. His trail of kisses continued along her neck up to her ear. "Pete, please. Can we not do this tonight?" She was glad he couldn't see her face. Her voice was going to crack and she felt the lump in her throat grow as she swallowed the emotions bubbling up. His persistent hands moved to her waist gripping her firmly, his arousal growing against her ass as he pinned her against the counter.

"Awww, come on." He nibbled at her ear knowing that eventually she'd give in to his whine. "You have the day off tomorrow and besides we don't have our first appointment until 10:00… we have all night." He was breathing heavily against her neck; the warm air against his cold lips causing her hairs to stand on end.

"Pete, please, I'm really not feeling up to it tonight." He stopped noting the serious tone in her voice and moved back slightly giving her room to spin around.

"What's wrong?" His lip was between his teeth – everything from his end seemed to be going so well.

"Everything's fine, I'm just a little tired." He searched her eyes knowing that there was more. "I have to be at the SGC tomorrow morning and by the looks of it I may not be able to make it to the florist tomorrow."

"But tomorrow is your day off."

"I know." Swallowing hard. "There are a few projects that I need to hand over before the wedding since I won't be back until after the honeymoon." She was trying desperately to determine if he was buying any of this. Lying should have been second nature to her – she spent her entire adult life on a covert base under the pretences of studying deep space radar telemetry. But somehow she knew that he could see right through her.

"But General O'Neill knows the wedding is just around the corner – he's the one that approved your request."

"I know – but just trust me when I say that this is really important." Since when had lying turned into her full time job? The SGC didn't need her, she just felt like she should be there – like she belonged there. "Look, I'll try to get everything done as soon as I can tomorrow. If things go well then I can go with you to the flourist."

He turned noticing the kettle whistling. He shifted past her removing it from the heat, anger evident in his decisive movements. Pete had kid-like mannerisms sometimes. He wore his excitement and disappointment on his face. When he was happy, he was beaming. When he was mad, he would sulk. It had been yet another cancellation on her part and he had a right to be mad at her. Kissing her quickly on the cheek he whispered a weak, "I'll call you in the morning," trying to remain understanding but unable to hide his disappointment.

She remained in the kitchen hearing the door close behind him. Pete would get over it. He always did. First he would have his outburst, but he always came around. Sam waited; even over the loud TV she could still hear his car pull away and race off down the street.

_Sam what are you doing?!_ She sighed behind tightly shut eyes, finally letting a single tear roll down her cheek. Walking into the other room, she looked at the mess not having the energy or desire to clean up after Pete. So many things were coming at her at once that she just didn't know how to deal with them all. Jacob was less than impressed with Pete - that much she knew.

The crumpled little card caught her attention again. Even in the chaos of her living room, she could still find Jack. Noticing a small scribble on the back of the card, she picked it up realizing it was Jack's handwriting. A single word scratched in a hurry.

**Sir**

Sam read it again the tears ready to break. Biting her lip, she stared at the ceiling as her vision blurred with tears. She could hate him if he was being an ass. She could hate him if he gave her no explanation for it. And now - now she was stuck somewhere in between. He took her hate away from her in that single word. Her Jack was still in there somewhere behind all the anger and his damn pride. Her _sir_ was somewhere behind that wall he had proudly put between them.

* * *

_to be continued..._

* * *

**Author's Note:** Chapter 7 is written... just putting the finishing touches on it. Will post soon.


	7. Chapter 7

* * *

**Regretfully Yours...**

* * *

He was right. She was a sex kitten; forceful and generous and very in control of what she wanted. The marks left on his back were proof of that. They had sex twice that night finally falling asleep after showering together just after 3:45 a.m.. She was fierce - passionate even - and yet it would never be more than just sex to Jack. So what if it was their second "date"? To them it was about exploring, learning and getting to know each other. Jack was just gratified that he could finally sleep with someone without having to envision Carter every time he closed his eyes. Staring at the stuccoed ceiling, he exhaled a breath he didn't realize he was keeping in. To say he was conflicted was putting it lightly. Each day he would let go of Carter a little bit more. Her ice grip on him was starting to melt away. His laugh, time and antics no longer belonged to her – he owed her nothing.

He was happy with Kerry. And he no longer felt guilty about having someone in his bed, just pissed that he hadn't let go sooner. He was getting over her the only way he knew how - by pushing her farther away from him; it was something he needed to do. If she ended up hating him then he would feel less guilty about treating her the way he'd been. It had been a rough transition -- staring up at the ceilings on restless nights he would often find comfort in the thought that maybe one day Carter would be lying next to him staring at the textured wall together. He spent many nights like this. But this time it was different. Kerry had shown him that much. Even in his state of pain and turmoil, he was able to steal a few hours of happiness for himself. She kept him sane in the short time they'd been together. She kept him real. She was real, he was real and them together was real. There was no room for interpretation or false hopes. There was no fabricated love affair with unspoken words or misunderstood glances.

Did it hurt? He tried to fight it – tried to shut it out the way Carter so easily shut him out. He could only imagine what Daniel had to say about the entire thing and was momentarily glad he didn't have to. Daniel would undoubtedly find a way to blame him for the entire situation. But he missed him. Even if having him back meant hearing all the shitty things he's done in the past few weeks, he would gladly choose having Daniel over not. Daniel stated the obvious. And although he hated to admit it Daniel was right most of the time.

As he drifted off to sleep, he glanced over at Kerry lightly stroking her still-damp hair that fell over the pillow. The smell of her scented shampoos would no doubt linger in his bed linens. It was the first time in a long time that he remembered enjoying another woman's company. Jack was heartless at best with all the others; he would pick them up at bars, fuck them senseless and then send them packing before the night was through. Not that any of them complained, but Kerry was different somehow. And he liked her. He promised himself that if things ever got serious with her that he would somehow break it off before he screwed it up. She was a good kid and somehow he was delaying her progress towards finding the oh-so clichéd Mr. Right. He was being selfish and he knew it. He would miss having her around when she finally did come to her senses. Kerry deserved better - not some old worn out soldier who was hung up on a woman who didn't reciprocate his feelings...who silently led him on for so many years before replacing him altogether in one swift moment with the three letter word "yes."

Was he being unfair to Carter? No. He was treating her the way he treated everyone else on the base - like they didn't matter to him. His job was to keep himself detached and that is exactly what he was doing. No one received any special treatment - least of all her. He would push her away and hopefully keep her away for the short time he had left at the SGC. Jack looked forward to his upcoming transfer. He'd be closer to Kerry and hopefully would be in a position to start over.

Kerry groaned and rolled into his warmth mumbling "go to sleep" as she nuzzled under his chin. Her damp hair was cold on his chest and as much as he tried to fight off the need to sleep, he slowly lost that battle drifting off with his red head - his little sex kitten - in arm.

* * *

_to be continued..._

* * *

**Author's Note**: Hey guys, so it took me a while to decide whether or not to make this chapter long and basically split into two sections or to just make them into two shorter separate chapters. I decided to keep the sections separate that way the events make more of an impact. As always let me know what you think about the chapter or how the story is progressing... good or bad I'm always looking for ways to improve my writing. Thanks for those who reviewed previously; I appreciate your comments and love hearing from you guys.

I know I've had a request to make chapters longer but no matter how hard I try to keep the length up I find that I get into this vicious cycle of repetitive paragraphs and the writing just goes downhill from there. I'll see what I can do for the next few chapters.

Chapter 8 is 1/2 done...


	8. Chapter 8

* * *

**Regretfully Yours: Chapter 8**

* * *

She pulled the standard issued BDU shirt over her head as she sat on the locker room bench. Letting out a deeply conflicted sigh she knew she shouldn't be here. She checked her watch - 05:45 am. Sam should have been off for the rest of the week to plan the last minute details of her wedding, but yet here she was. She felt like she should be here - mostly she felt like she shouldn't be planning a wedding to someone she still had doubts about. Should she just call the whole thing off? It had crossed her mind several times the past few weeks and yet here she was - still engaged to be married. She stared at the ring on her finger. Toyed with it and then slipped it off and placed it on her locker shelf. Closing the door, she rested her head against the cold metal still wondering why the hell she was here. She'd face it eventually - Sam just needed time to sort out her internal issues and the SGC was the only place that Pete wasn't.

The familiar sound of Walter's voice pierced through the speakers as the sirens went off, "Off-world activation." She left her thoughts behind as she raced to the 'Gate room.

* * *

"What?!" He barked into the phone still not sure if he had it the right way against his ear.

"Sorry to wake you, sir." It was Carter and her impeccable timing as always. "Teal'C is back and it sounds like we have a problem."

_Groan. _"Alright. I'll be there as soon as I can."

* * *

She could feel the heat flush to her cheeks and the tips of her ears. His unrelenting mood had her second guessing every move she'd made in the past few weeks. Maybe he was just pissed that she'd woken him up... but she'd done so on many other occasions - why now? Why was today so different and how could his mood get impossibly more rotten? Their relationship had changed over night. There were no jokes. No silly comments. No daily visits to her lab. Lonely was something new in this equation. For years she would stay on the base constantly surrounded by friends and familiar faces. Not any more. The environment was turning hostile and neither would admit it openly. She had missed him. The old him. He had since lost his childish mannerisms. This Jack O'Neill definitely wasn't hers. He was bitter and fierce at times. Cruel even.

Although Sam knew she had feelings - strong feelings - for her C.O. she was still torn between the choice of settling with Pete or holding onto a fantasy where her and Jack could be together. She couldn t help but wonder if there was a small chance in Socar's hell that they could ever end up together.

And yet here he was publicly reprimanding her.

"I still wish you guys had blow that thing up when you had the chance."

"We had to at least be sure that all the replicators really were eliminated." She was defending her actions and although she had second guessed most of her choices lately, she knew that this one was the most logical. She sucked up his harshness and bit her tongue before she exploded at the man which would be the end-all for them.

"- And although we apparently _did _get rid of them all in this galaxy there may still be more elsewhere that could be a threat again." Jacob added supporting Sam on this one. Even he could sense the thick tension between them in the room - something was going on. Jack was being unreasonable considering they just kicked major replicator ass. No this argument was about more than just the replicators. He was yelling at her for making yet another wrong choice in his eyes.

Sam continued her defense, "So all we wanted was to try to figure out how the device worked in case we ever needed something like it again."

"Greeaatt." He stated dryly rubbing salt into Carter's insecurities. "Well now the Jaffa have something that can blow up the entire universe with the push of a button."

It was hard enough living with the fact she had created this desperate situation; with the Jaffa having the weapon on Dakara and her need to prove herself to a certain individual was more prominent now than ever. Feeling insecure about the last few days had Sam hesitating at every move. Should she stay at the SGC or should she just go ahead and plan her wedding? But how could she plan a wedding when she was clearly feeling inadequate about her performance at the SGC? More importantly, how could she walk away from the SGC without knowing that her and Jack would be okay?

Yes she was still marrying Pete, but she missed Jack. She missed his quirkiness. He kept her light and level headed even in the worst possible situations. His consistent calmness had a way of making her less anxious. And what confused her the most was trying to understand how all of that got lost between them. She spent many nights trying to pinpoint the exact moment he changed.

*Ring.* _Shit!_ She fumbled in her pockets. "Sorry – thought I'd turned it off." Today just seemed to be one of those days where nothing was going right. This would be yet _another _chalked up mistake in Jack's books no doubt. Cringing with embarrassment she wondered if this day could get any more awkward. What was she doing here?! She was causing more problems instead of helping. The only time she spoke was to defend something that had already happened. In the first time in her life, Carter felt utterly useless. She was like a lost puppy who didn't know where to go or what to do with herself.

"Sorry to interrupt, sir. Colonel, there's a call for you. Apparently it's urgent."

Sam lipped her second apology in five minutes and picked up the phone at the far end of the room. There was only one person she knew of who was so damn persistent that he'd call every number he had for her.

"Carter." She answered.

"Hey babe - thought you were supposed to be home today?" There was that god awful word again - _babe._

"Yeah, I know – it's just that it's not a good time right now." Jack glanced at her from across the table noticing her fidget. He hoped everything was alright. Okay, no he didn't - he hoped that pinhead had gotten into a life threatening accident and that it was the police calling his next of kin... not that he would ever admit to those thoughts.

"We have a meeting with the flourist in a few hours. You said you'd be able to make it to this one."

She glanced back to see if the briefing was still going on - she needed to get back into the discussion. "I know, I'm sorry."

"Well any idea on how long General O'Neill is going to keep you there?!" Irritation in his voice.

"... I don't know – it could be an hour, it could be all day." She was trying her hardest to get him off the phone as quickly as possible. God she was conflicted! When she was at the briefing she didn't know why she showed up at all and now that she was removed, she was trying her hardest to get back in there. She was being illogical, emotional and irrational. Sam had no idea what she wanted and that scared her the most.

Pete went silent for a moment. "You'll call me as soon as you know if you can make it?"

"Yeah."

"Ok?"

"Ok." She reassured him.

"Love you babe, bye."

"Yeah, me too. Bye." She headed back to the briefing which had just seemed to wrap up.

"Sorry about that, sir." Again she felt the need to apologize.

"Emergency?" He asked... slyly hoping.

"No, no. Just a, um, misunderstanding." He was the last person on Earth she wanted to talk with about the wedding.

Jacob smiled at the little game they were playing with each other - the game that had become so public in the last few weeks. Sam deliberately avoided the topic. Jacob decided it was time to throw a wrench in her plans. "Hey, weren't you supposed to meet Pete at the flourists' this morning?"

"No, Dad." Sam's stubbornness prevailed. Jacob blamed himself for passing on that trait, but he wasn't about to let go that easily.

"No, I'm sure that's what you said – for the wedding." Jack's eyebrows raised. His blood began to boil as he fought for composure. _Just don't say anything stupid! _He warned himself as he listened in on the conversation focusing on the papers in front of him.

She shook her head slightly at her dad hoping Jack wouldn't glance up to see her awkward gesture. Knowing she had to say something she lamely offered "I know," through gritted teeth.

Jack looked up. "Go ahead, Carter. It's supposed to be your day off anyway." He offered her a way out - a way off the base - but more importantly a way to get her out of sight.

"It's Ok, sir." She reassured him still utterly embarrassed at how the previous exchange had played out between her and her dad.

"Well, Teal'c and Bra'tac are meeting with the Jaffa – there's nothin' to do around here." He offered her a tight lipped smile. "Go pick flowers!"

* * *

_Go pick flowers?!?! O'Neill you ass! _Jack slammed the door to his office and ran his hands over his face. He had never once spoken to her like a fragile woman. Well ... with the exception of their introduction. All in all Carter had proven herself to be one of the guys. She could definitely hold her own and he had come to respect that about her. In a single phrase he turned that respect into a complete mockery. _Go pick flowers? Really - what the hell was that?_ He scolded himself. He fought not to say anything stupid that he'd regret, but at the last moment, it just slipped. He might as well have said - _it's okay Carter, go pick flowers while the big boys clean up your mess._ He was a mess. It only registered after a few seconds that his phone had been ringing.

"O'Neill." He answered.

"Hey Jack - where did you say you had the frozen T-bones? I looked for them everywhere!" He managed a slight smirk - he could hear Kerry searching through the freezer for the steaks he said were in there.

"Hey yourself. Sleep well?"

"Depends on what you mean by well. If you mean getting woken up after three hours of sleep..."

He chuckled. "- point taken! The steaks should be right where I said they were on the top shelf at the back."

More shuffling. "Mmm... not seeing them."

He checked his watch. "Well, I'm about to head out anyway, so how about I pick up some fresh ones on the way home?"

She stopped what she was doing and closed the freezer. "That sounds good. Oh and while you're there can you get some stuff for salad? Oh and you're out of milk."

"Anything else?" He sarcastically remarked.

She could practically see him smiling. "Yea, how about a kitchen sink while you're at it?" She teased.

"Yes ma'am! See you soon."

"Yep - bye."

* * *

"Okay - what the hell was that?!" Sam asked furiously as she entered the lab followed by Jacob.

"What the hell was what?"

"In the briefing room - why did you need to bring up my personal business?"

He continued to play innocent. "Picking your wedding flowers is personal?"

"What I do in my down time is my _own_ personal business - no one else's!"

"Sam - what the hell are we talking about here? You're not making a whole hell-of-a-lot of sense."

"You know what - just forget it." She turned her back to him occupying herself with a random schematic on her desk. Sam wasn't one to lash out without reason. He was pushing her buttons and he knew it, but she was just as stubborn as he was and he knew what it took to break her. She took a deep breath and turned around. "Look dad, I'm sorry. It's been a rough couple of weeks."

"And that's it?" He said not sounding entirely convinced. "Look Sam, if the wedding planning is getting to you - "

"No, it's nothing like that." Her response was a little too quick - a little too rehearsed. She knew he could see right through her.

"You sure?"

"Yea." She nodded. "Just tired is all."

"Okay." He dropped it quicker than she thought he would have. "Take care of yourself kiddo."

"I will." Jacob gave her a hug and left for his visitor's quarters with a small smirk on his face.

* * *

_to be continued..._

_

* * *

**Author's Note: Sorry guys - it's slowly getting to the good parts! I still have a few more angsty chapters to go before all hell breaks loose!**_


	9. Chapter 9

* * *

**Regretfully Yours...**

* * *

She swallowed thickly staring her future in the face. There it was the house... soon to be _their_ house complete with the dog they were _apparently_ buying. She would come home every day from the SGC to this house – to the same man inside. They would have amazing sex in this house. _If_ that was even possible. Lately she had been bored with their sex lives – bored with Pete and his repetition. The sex was never that great – she found herself faking orgasms just to get him off of her. He would finish quickly and try to please her in a million other ways. And even worse yet - every time she closed her eyes she saw Jack. And yet she was getting a glimpse of her future with Pete. She would fake orgasms in this house… she would be pregnant in this house. And then it all became a little too real. She would be having Pete's kids.

The air in her lungs became a little too heavy. Sam couldn't breathe – she needed to see Jack- now!

Sam wasn't sure when she became quite the little actress, but she should have won an Oscar for how well she remained calm when her emotions were bubbling to the surface crumbling the world as she knew it. They clouded her ability to think – all of her raging emotions flooding and relentlessly pounding at her. It was too much too soon, but she managed to contain it all the while returning Pete's kisses and enthusiasm.

* * *

"Hi sir. Look, there's something that we need to talk about and it's gotten to a point where I just can't sit back and do nothing any more. I'm sorry to bother you with this, but there's a very good reason why I am. I love you sir. And I have for quite some time." And that was the short and sweet speech she had rehearsed over and over in her head. But now that she was staring at the house that she secretly lusted after for years, it was all getting jumbled in her head. That heavy feeling returned to her chest and she couldn't bring herself to leave the car. What if he wasn't home? What if he really didn't feel the same way? It was a risk she was finally willing to take. Her heart pounded. There were times she could picture herself – a bolder version of herself – just waltzing into Jack's house and kissing him senseless and yet here she was cowering in her car. Too afraid to even tell him what he most likely knew all along.

_Suck it up soldier. _She got out of the car. The familiar smell of Jack's BBQ came from the backyard. Okay – not quite the way she planned on telling him but it was now or never.

"Hi sir." He looked up from the charred meat on the grill – a little surprised to see his second in command.

"Carter!" It was an unusually warm welcome considering his bitter attitude towards her as of late.

"Look, I-I'm sorry to bother you at home like this, but, uh ..." Her nerves were getting the best of her. Her prepared speech was already out the window.

"How'd you know I was here?" He glanced over at the side door wondering if she tried ringing the front door bell. Jack quickly realized that the conversation would have started a hell of a lot differently had Kerry answered the door.

"I saw the smoke." She offered simply.

"Oh yea." Sam couldn't pin point it but something about him seemed relatively tense. She suddenly changed her mind about doing this all together. Maybe telling him wasn't the best thing to do right now.

"Look, is this okay? I mean, I could have called first."

"No, … yeah - I mean it's fine." Kerry was still out of sight which was a good thing. He had hoped she would hear Carter's voice or see her through the window and avoid coming out. Of course Kerry had never had field training and wasn't very likely to pick up on these things. "So, what brings you to this neck of the woods on such a fine day – my backyard?" His words echoed the same line that he'd fed Kerry days earlier in the bar.

Sam's cheeks flushed with embarrassment. "Well, actually I've, um – I've been sitting in your driveway for the past 10 minutes trying to work up the nerve to come and talk to you." He knew where this was headed… and he also knew it wouldn't end well. "The truth is I've been trying to work up the nerve for a lot longer than that."

"Oh?" It came out more as a question which shocked even him. Jack should have been trying to get rid of her as quickly as possible, but he wanted to hear this… he needed to hear it.

"Pete put a down payment on a house."

Not quite the news he was looking to hear but he masked it well. "Well, that's great!"

"It's a beautiful house." She convinced herself. Just not quite _the house _she had in mind.

Jack picked up on her tone. "…but?"

She swallowed hard – Sam was slowly inching closer to saying what she had come to say. "I'm having second thoughts about the wedding."

"Why?!" Jack couldn't hide the shock of his statement.

"See, the … the thing is, the closer it gets the more I get the feeling that I'm making a big – huge – mistake." It was the first real admission she had made in quite some time.

"Look, Carter… I don't know what –"

She picked up a piece of her speech. "Look, I'm sorry to bother you with this, but there is actually a very good reason that I'm bothering you with this and if I don't tell you now, I might never –"

"Jack – I looked everywhere! I could not find the…" Kerry stopped dead in her tracks noticing the third party. "Colonel Carter."

"Ms. Johnson." Jack chimed in not really making the situation any less tense.

Sam had been so preoccupied with trying to figure out how to tell him that she didn't even think of what his response to something like that could possibly be. She couldn't even anticipate the humility that she was feeling at this moment. How could she be so stupid? Of course he had moved on. Of course she was witnessing something personal and intimate that day she saw Kerry in his office – because they _were_ together. In hind sight she had no idea how she missed all the clues. They were all in front of her to see. The cold shoulder, the frequent visits from the CIA.

"Yeah, I didn't – I didn't…"

"We were just meeting here in my backyard on this fine day to discuss the state of affairs." He daftly offered with awkward hand motions causing his beer to spill. Sam closed her eyes not really being able to put a quantity on how stupid she felt at that exact moment. Jack and Kerry had been sleeping together – that much was evident.

"Well this is awkward." Kerry broke the silence.

"Ya think?!"

Sam looked at them together on the porch. Kerry was adorable and petite. They seemed to go well together. And definitely seemed comfortable together – a small flashback of the way that her and Jack used to be just a short month ago.

"Jack didn't want anyone at the SGC to know about… us." Kerry knew she was smart enough to see what was going on. The least she could do is give her an _actual_ explanation.

Laughing nervously and trying to locate the nearest exit Sam tried to find the simplest words to excuse herself from this awkward mess… simple words which were eluding her somehow. "No, look, I, uh, I'm sorry, this is my fault. I really, I shouldn't have come by unannounced like this."

"Well, now that the cat's out of the bag, you're here – why don't you just stay?" She offered knowing it would be followed up with a swift decline. "I'm sure there's enough charred meat on the grill for all three of us." She joked lightly at Jack's keen ability to burn virtually anything.

"No – thank you, I um…" she had never been so glad to hear her cell phone go off in front of General O'Neill in her life. "It's the SGC. Colonel Carter. What? When? … Okay, I'm on my way." Snapping the phone shut, she started darting away with great concern in her voice and eyes, offering, "I gotta go - it's my dad" as a quick explanation of her abrupt exit.

Jack's eyes followed Carter out – a glimpse that lasted long enough for Kerry to realize exactly what was going on between the two of them. He looked at her with great adoration and concern – he wanted to do more for her but Kerry was there anchoring him.

* * *

Kerry found Jack in the kitchen doing up the dishes - he was lost in thought and didn't hear her come in. "I think you should head to the SGC – just to make sure everything is okay." He glanced over his shoulder at her raising an eyebrow in acknowledgement.

He dried the plate and rested it on the counter. "Yea. I probably should."

"Leave those." She offered grabbing the drying cloth from him. "I'll finish them up and meet you at the SGC in a bit." Placing a hand on her cheek, he kissed her forehead before grabbing his jacket and keys. She had to figure this out – figure out if he was worth the fight or if she should just walk away. Judging by his mood since Carter left, the choice was made apparent which saddened her.

_Sigh. _"Goodbye Jack." she whispered to herself as she heard him speed away in his truck.

* * *

**to be continued...**

* * *

**Author's Note:** Yay! I was able to pump out another chapter - just started writing and writing. This chapter came so naturally for some reason. I figured you guys waited long enough, so these last two chapters have been longer than usual. Let me know what you think!

-d3vilish


	10. Chapter 10

**Author's Note: **The beginning of this chapter really belongs at the end of Chapter 9 -- it was an oversight on my part. Anyways, I hope you enjoy this chapter. It was a tough one to write and I'm still not quite sure that I'm comfortable enough with it, but here it is none the less.

-d3vilish

* * *

**Regretfully Yours**

* * *

_Previously on SG-1 (Chapter 3):_

_He downed the rest of his beer. Although his vision was getting a bit blurred, his thoughts were still emerging in full force. He grabbed a notepad and a pen and began to scribble._

**_Dearest Carter,_**

**_...(removed body of letter - refer to ch 3)..._**

**_Be happy Carter._**

**_Regretfully and always yours,_**

**_Sir._**

_He finished the letter letting all of his emotions spill onto that page only to be sealed in an envelope again. He scribbled "Carter" on the front of the envelope before falling asleep on the couch – his emotions symbolically enveloped by her. He wanted to yell at her, tell her that her love for Pete was all bullshit. He wanted to blame her for throwing everything that was between them aside. Most of all, he wanted her and no amount of yelling or screaming or beer was going to accomplish that._

* * *

Kerry put the remaining dishes on the drying rack and moved into the living room. She released a heavy sigh – the house was quiet without Jack around. She already missed him. Kerry picked up the coasters sitting on the coffee table trying to tidy up the mess that she and Jack had made a few nights earlier. Opening his side table drawer looking for a place to put them, she tossed the coasters in. An envelope caught her eye as she went to close the drawer – she hesitated; her gaze focusing on the envelope a little too long. Moving the coasters aside, she read _Carter _scribbled on the front. Her heart dropped. The envelope was too long and too flimsy to be a wedding card envelope. It was a letter. A personal letter no doubt. All military memos were done on-base. She swallowed thickly as she handled the envelope with delicate care. Her better judgment told her to just put it down and move on. There was unfinished business between Sam and Jack – the envelope was proof of that. They saw each other on the base every day; this was definitely something that couldn't be easily said, or at least said on the base.

Although Kerry was always sure of herself – never insecure - when she was around Jack, there was a part of him that always remained a mystery hidden by his childish mannerisms and boyish smile. Part of that hidden Jack belonged to Samantha Carter. That much was obvious… and it hurt her to know that she had to let go. As much as she wanted to read it Kerry closed the drawer and set the letter down on the side table. Although it broke her heart, she knew what she had to do.

* * *

Jack rounded the corner to the infirmary - the image of Sam's face as she received news of her father flashing in his head. Jacob was like a brother to him – he couldn't help feeling concerned for his well-being. More importantly though, he couldn't help feeling concerned about Sam. He stopped a hair short of bumping into a clearly distracted Sam as she made her way out of the infirmary. Her head was down not really paying attention to her surroundings. She was a mess and he needed to be there for her – if she'd let him.

"Whoa Carter!"

"Sir!" She said surprised to see him on the base. Sam wiped the tear tracks from her face and pulled her cardigan closed suddenly feeling self-conscious about being out of uniform on the base. "I um, I didn't have time to –"

"How's Jacob?" Jack said in a softer tone dismissing her defense about being in civvies.

Her eyes glazed over with tears. "Not good, sir." She tried to calm herself down before she left the infirmary, but her emotions were too strong to contain. "I'm ah, I'm on my way to get dressed." She indicated with awkward hand movements before pushing past him trying to make a quick getaway. Thoughts of earlier events were completely pushed out of her memory – all she could think about now was getting back to spend her last moments with her father.

He kept his eyes on her until she rounded the next corner.

* * *

Jack gently knocked on the door-frame to the infirmary.

Jacob turned his head slightly to see who it was. "Come on in Jack."

"How you doing Jacob?" Jack approached, hand stuffed in his pockets as he stood on the balls of his feet.

Jacob offered a half smile. "I've been better."

"Anything I can get you?" Jack sincerely returned surveying the area to make sure everything he needed was within reach.

"No –," Jacob sat up, "but there's something I wanted to talk to you about."

Jack pulled up a stool linking his fingers together in his lap. "Sure. What's on your mind?"

"Jack, you know I've always respected you as a person and as an officer on this base."

Jack slightly nodded.

"Well then you also know that I value your opinion."

Jack wasn't sure what to say – his mouth opened trying to force a coherent response out.

" – let me finish Jack."

His mouth snapped shut.

"My only daughter's getting married – and normally that wouldn't be a problem for me, except I know that she cares about someone else." He searched Jack's expression for some indication that he knew where he was going. "Someone who isn't Pete."

Jack's eyes averted Jacob's deadly lock. "Look Jacob… I'm –"

"Just shut up and listen will ya?" Jack shifted uncomfortably on the stool allowing his gaze returned to Jacob's. "Look Jack - you and I both know that she has feelings for you. She has for a long time now. It's in the way she acts around you – I know my daughter well Jack. She's more like me than I care to admit." He took a moment before continuing. "But like me, she's too stubborn. She'd never jeopardize her career or yours." Jacob swallowed thickly. "Sam would rather convince herself that she's happy with Pete than take a chance on you."

Jack remained silent. He knew why she came to his house earlier. He knew what she wanted to say – what he wanted her to say. He also knew that it fit perfectly with what Jacob was saying now. But she hadn't said it. And it wasn't out in the open. The only thing he knew for sure was that she was having doubts about the wedding – doubts that some how concerned him. He didn't have to have special ops training to fill in the gaps.

Jack let out a heavy sigh.

"Look Jack – I'm sure in time you and Sam will figure it out. But for now, all I need to know is that you'll be there for my little girl when I'm gone. That's all I'm asking."

"Always." He said softly without missing a beat – the reality of the situation heavily settling in.

* * *

"Hey, Pete?" She held the phone tightly to her ear.

"Sam!" His tone changed noticing the shake in her voice, "What's wrong?"

"It's my dad." She bit her bottom lip exhaling a swift breath as tears began to blur her vision. "He's dying." Her heart sank just hearing the words.

"What? How? Sam, you want me to come to the base?"

"No – no, I'll be fine." She falsely reassured him. "Pete, there's something else that I need you to do for me."

"What is it?"

"We need to postpone the wedding." She dreaded saying it not knowing what his reaction would be. Pete had been working so hard to put it all together for them that she didn't want to crush him.

"I understand. Look, go take care of your dad. I'll handle the rest." He said it with complete sincerity – a sincerity that she'd forgotten was there. It wasn't the reaction she'd expected at all and although she wasn't sure if he understood, she knew he was being supportive of her.

"Thanks Pete."

"Take it easy - I'll call you later."

She nodded into the phone.

"Bye Sam."

"Bye."

She hung up the phone screwing her eyes shut. She thought of Daniel and Janet. She remembered how much she missed them. Sam needed a shoulder to cry on. And she knew it wasn't Pete's although he offered. Pete was a good guy – he deserved better.

She shook her head knowing that feeling sorry for herself wasn't the best way to deal with her current situation. Sam straightened her back, cleared her mind and made her way to the 'gate room to notify the Tok'ra of Selmak's condition.

* * *

_...to be continued..._

* * *


	11. Chapter 11

**Author's Note:** You guys are going to kill me! I know it's been a while since I updated, but my life has been realllyy busy lately. And you're going to seriously want to hurt me when you see how short this chapter is. But I promise that I have two more already written, I just need to write one chapter to fill the gap between those other two and voila! you'll have more to read in no time.

I sincerely apologize for the wait guys - the upcoming chapters will be worth it (I hope!)

-- d3vilish

* * *

**Regretfully Yours...**

* * *

She felt an overwhelming amount of guilt leaving him the way she was about to, but she also knew that she had to walk away now before she was in too deep. She was falling in love with him… not that she would admit it given how quickly it happened. She had the worst possible timing, but it was as good a time as any. Kerry tossed her red, curly hair to the side and continued down the cold concrete halls that lead to Jack's office. Her heart was racing contrary to her seemingly calm and cool exterior. She wasn't sure what to expect. They weren't "serious" but they had a lot of fun together and she would genuinely miss him. He was transferring up to Washington and they were supposed to be seeing a lot more of each other…they had even joked about "rooming" together. That was _before_ Jack's feelings for a certain Colonel Carter became transparent earlier that day. She needed to break things off before he came to Washington, before things got messy and _more_ emotional.

_Knock knock._

Jack's pensive gaze broke and he looked up at her. Distracted, but still glad to see her.

"How's Colonel Carter's father?" Genuine concern in her voice as she entered his office.

"Doesn't look good." He offered truthfully. Jack's chest became heavy at the admission of his own words. He was a stubborn soldier – there was always a way out. Except this time, there wasn't. Jack had to stand by and helplessly watch one of his close friends die.

"Sorry to hear that." She knew what the SGC meant to him – more importantly she knew what his team members meant to him. "Really." She reinforced with a sympathetic half smile. Kerry stepped past the door, closing it behind her not missing Jack's eyebrow raise. This conversation was going to get a lot tougher.

"Closing the door…" he said – his words laced with suspicion.

Her heart began to race again. This wouldn't be a long drawn out break up since he was never hers to begin with. But it still didn't hurt any less. She let out a heavy breath. "Yeah. Deeply symbolic." She half-wittingly returned.

"Really?" In true Jack O'Neill style, he was able to make her smile with just a simple word delivered in his quirky manner not making it any easier to continue.

"I really like you." She admitted plainly. He would never know how close she was to saying _love you_. "We're good together."

He smirked, "Yes. We are." Maybe the phrase _we were _would have been more fitting. Although Jack liked to act daft, he was very observant and insightful. Standing up from his seat, he continued her sentence, "…but…"

Kerry loved the way he cut through the chase. She didn't want to make this a drawn out break up and clearly neither did he. "You have issues." It was a statement. An observation. "It's okay…we all do." She took a breath and a step closer. "There's just one _big_ one in particular that I don't think I can love with."Her cheeks flushed as she fumbled to correct herself, "_Live_ with." She traced over his features. He looked exhausted, emotionally and physically. But he still looked handsome. "Look, Jack – I need to get out before I get more involved."

He noticed her careful wording. She knew he would never be able to get deeply involved as long as he loved Carter. And Kerry also knew that she had no control over how quickly her emotions for him were developing.

"We can still work together, can't we?" She asked searching his eyes for some indication of anger or acceptance. "I'd hate to ask for reassignment. This is really important to me." She continued remembering their pact in the parking lot. "Besides, we agreed that this would never affect the job."

"We did."

"Good."

"Okay."

"Great."

"I'm going to miss you Jack. It's been fun." She smiled at him before turning to head for the door before quickly reconsidering. "You know, there's just one thing I don't understand!"

"Just one?"

She smiled at his adolescent sarcasm. "Is the Air Force the only thing keeping you two apart? Rules and regulations? 'cause if it is, you're making a _very_ big mistake." Kerry went from being his ex girlfriend to someone giving him love advice. Jack was right – she was a sweet kid and definitely deserved much more than he could ever offer her.

"And you know what I should do?"

"Retire."

"Again." He stated flatly.

"Don't get me wrong – you are considered invaluable to the program by the Pentagon, but the President has appointed a civilian to run the SGC before."

Jack nodded seriously considering her suggestion.

"Just a thought." She smiled. "And Jack..."

He looked back up at her before she slipped through the door and out of his life.

"She loves you too."

* * *

_to be continued (shortly!)..._


	12. Chapter 12

Author's Note: Okay, so I'll be posting another chapter tonight (on top of this one) because I'm extremely overdue with updates. I just really hope that you guys enjoy them ;)

-d3vilish

* * *

**Regretfully Yours - Chapter 12**

* * *

Pete's car had already been there when she pulled up. She had finally decided to do what her heart had been screaming all along. It was just something that she needed to do for herself.

Only when she closed the car door did she realize that she wouldn't have minded this house under any other circumstances. It was on a quiet street, close to a school and not too far from work. It really was _the_ perfect house. It just wouldn't be the perfect _home_.

Sam hadn't prepared a speech this time. This time she'd be talking from her heart. Each step closer to Pete she came, the harder it was to say what she needed to. The seemingly short walk took longer than she remembered. She had so many thoughts in the car on the way over, but now that she was here standing in front of him, her head was blank and she was left with a pang of anxiety clawing at the pit of her stomach.

And then there was no more lawn to cover.

Pete stood up to greet her giving her a kiss on the cheek and a hand reaching to the small of her back, "Hey." He said mildly not quite able to read her mood. It had been the first time that he'd seen her since the funeral. She had been distant and he'd wanted to give her the space she needed to clear her head.

Sam swallowed thickly as she smiled that sad smile. He thought it was because her father had passed away. He didn't know that their relationship would be following soon after.

"Thank you for meeting me." Sam said, the sun in her eyes as she took a seat beside him on the bench of their perfect house. Her heart rate increased. She had no idea how to start this conversation. Luckily, she didn't have to.

"How are you feeling?" He asked. The concern in his voice was genuine. Pete had missed her. He missed seeing her smile.

"Okay actually."

"That's good. I was getting worried when I didn't hear from you."

"There's been a lot going on at work. " Although Pete knew she worked at the SGC, she always referred to her job as "work". It was this black box – this mythical place - that wasn't supposed to exist. And although Pete knew about it and had even visited it, her habit of not referring to the base's name stuck. Sam spent most of her adult life using a cover story. It had become second nature by now. The SGC was one of the many things she'd be saying goodbye to. First her dad, then Pete, the house and now the SGC. The only thing stable in her life was Cassie.

"Everything okay at the SGC?"

"You know I can't talk about work." Sam paused. Pete knew she wasn't there to talk about work. He was just making small talk to make her more comfortable since a lot had happened since he saw her last.

"So then what's up?" He stared at her face hoping she'd meet his gaze.

She exhaled and took a moment to answer. The air in her lungs was a lot heavier than usual. It was a question that she had finally asked herself after her father passed away. "Pete…" Sam looked up to meet his concerned eyes. "There's something that I need to do for me… something that I probably should have done a long time ago. And it's not fair to you." He waited for her to finish. "Pete, I need to call off our engagement."

"Look, Sam if you're having second thoughts about the wedding –"

"No it's not that."

"Then does it have something to do with your father?"

"No."

"Maybe you should transfer to another base then if work is too busy."

"It has nothing to do with work."

He was getting irritated. "Then what is it then?"

She closed her eyes for a delayed moment. It was now or never. "Look. Pete, I love you. I do. And there's a part of me that wanted to let go and say _yes_ to your proposal and let myself move on. But then there was always a part of me that kept hoping…"

Pete was intently focused on the plush green grass below them. His jaw was locked in place. "Move on from what." It was more of a statement. Pete knew the answer. He also needed to hear it from her.

She bit her lip. "Jack" She stated simply still waiting for him to look up at her, but he didn't.

"You mean General O'Neill." Sam had deliberately avoided using his rank and there was Pete reminding her of it. She nodded realizing the change in his tone. Pete had a huge distaste for her C.O. . He had made her work ridiculous hours on her days off and she had always made exceptions for the SGC… for him.

There was a pregnant pause as the sound of his name rippled through the tension. Sam swallowed thickly. "I don't know if anything will happen between us. Nothing has, and maybe nothing ever will. But what I do know, is that marrying you when I feel this way about someone else just…"

" Just what?"

"- just isn't fair to you." He looked up at her and she did her best not to look away. "I can't give you all of me and when I walk down the aisle with someone, I want to be able to do that." She sighed. "I just don't want to spend my life with you holding onto a 'what-if' scenario."

He remained quiet.

"So?"

"So what?" Pete was taking his anger out on her and this was just confirming what he chose to ignore on so many occasions. He knew better.

"So – you're quiet and I want to know what you're thinking." She dipped her head down trying to catch his gaze. "Pete, please. Talk to me."

"And you're telling me that nothing has ever happened between you two when we were together?"

She shook her head knowing how childish it all sounded. Sam was still waiting for a prince on a white horse to come carry her away to a fairy tale ending. She was making a major life choice based on a _what-if_.

"I've always had feelings – strong feelings for him, but I didn't know what that meant until recently."

Pete shot her a look and then she realized that she had avoided answering his question.

"No – nothing has ever happened between us. I don't even know if he still feels the same way about me."

"You've talked about this."

She closed her eyes and shook her head slightly. "It was a long time ago. Years before we ever met." Sam gestured between the two of them. She didn't have the guts to tell him that she went to Jack's house to tell him that she was in love with him the week before her wedding. It was one secret – an awkward and humiliating secret –that she would keep locked between her, Jack and Kerry.

As much as Pete wanted to, he couldn't hate her for something that she couldn't control. He couldn't control falling head over heels in love with her. Maybe it was because she kept him at arm's length that he fell in love with her mystery… he would never know. All he knew is that he had to pick up the pieces of himself and move on. They were over. Over where their life was supposed to begin. _How symbolic._

"I knew from the beginning." He admitted. "Guess I just thought that when you said yes that…" Pete swallowed hard knowing that nothing he said at this point would change their future. "You were worth the risk. And don't say I deserve better." He cut her off – he needed to get this out. "Can't get much better than you."

"That's not true." She interjected. Sam desperately wished she hadn't blurted out such a shallow and cliché phrase that meant nothing.

"I wish I could believe this had something to do with your father – you needed some time to just work things out." Pete could feel the lump in his throat grow. "I guess all I can say is I hope you get what you want."

"That's it?" She asked not really sure why she asked it.

"What do you want!" His question and sudden change of tone stunned her. "You want me to get down on my knees and beg?"

"God! No – of course not. I just… I thought you would react differently."

"Goodbye Sam." The lump had turned into tears – tears that he desperately tried to blink away before she saw how crushed he was.

"Pete…" Sam didn't know what to say. She didn't even know why she called out to him knowing that he wouldn't stop. All she knew was that she was finally following her heart and letting him go was the first thing that she'd done for herself.

* * *

_Another chapter will be posted tonight..._

* * *

In the meantime though...how about you tell me how I'm doing? :)

Thanks to meimei for catching my mistake! It has been fixed (you can tell it's been a while since I watched the show eh?).


	13. Chapter 13

**Author's Note: **Second chapter for tonight! It's a short one, but a heavy hitter in my opinion...

-d3vilish

* * *

**Regretfully Yours - Chapter 13**

* * *

"I'm transferring to Area 51."

She had just calmly dropped a bomb into their conversation as she shifted her gaze beyond the lip of the mug through the steam. Daniel blinked at her in disbelief. "Wait what?" He shook his head slightly - an expression trying to convince her that she was making a mistake. "Sam..." She expected the word "no" to follow, but it never came.

Her eyes glanced upwards at his shattered expression and swallowed hard. Her chest was heavy with emotion – the airways to her lungs now constricted. The realization of what that had meant to her - to the team - finally hit home as the words came out for the first time since her decision. Her eyes blurred slightly with tears, but she refused to let it consume her.

"When." It came out more as a statement than a question, but Sam knew that it was a lot for Daniel to take in.

"In a month or so."

Sam had been lost without Daniel. Teal'C had been preoccupied with the jaffa and Jack was abnormally busy - or at least that's what she'd convinced herself of. Without Janet, she used to find comfort in knowing her team was there for her but the solitude of the preceding months had been driving her nuts. So many strong emotions tugging her in different directions had her second guessing every move. She missed talking to him and was glad they were having coffee together. And although she wanted to talk to him about so many more things, she remained quiet as the weight of her decision thickly hung around them.

"Sam – why go? Why now?" Daniel looked at her from across the table – she was desperately trying to avoid his gaze. "We've defeated Anubis, his army and the replicators – why are you leaving now of all times Sam?"

Her eyes tightly closed and the burning sensation subdued for a quick moment. A tear finally spilled down the side of her cheek as she let out a shallow breath. "Daniel..." She whispered pleading with him not to push her any further.

"No. I'm not giving this up Sam – why now?"

He deserved a better answer. The coffee mug in her hands was now a prop she used to avoid meeting Daniel's intense eyes. "Look Daniel, with the replicator threat gone, Anubis gone, I'm sure the base will get along fine without me."

"And by _the base_" he illustrated the quotes with his hands, "did you mean Jack?" He knew he was pushing her hard, but he also knew that _someone_ had to. Daniel took a sip of his now cold coffee and decided to ease up. "Look Sam, I can understand why you requested the transfer when you were getting married to Pete. This life doesn't leave much room for a family…" he paused noticing the pain flicker in her eyes. "…but things are a bit different now…" He touched on the fact that he already knew about her break up with Pete just a few days earlier.

Her eyes widened at the realization of his comment. "How did you – "

He shook his head slightly. " – It doesn't matter."

Sam hadn't even told Mark that the wedding was off. The fact that Daniel returned with his memories intact – and some from when he was ascended – made her wonder what else he knew… namely if he knew about her feelings for Jack.

It was another 5 minutes before either of them spoke. "Um, I wasn't going to tell you this because Jack asked me not to but..." Daniel placed his coffee back on the table, "Look…Jack's transferring to DC."

Her eyes widened. "What?"

"Yea. He's leaving the SGC and he'll be taking General Hammond's position in Washington."

"You're serious?"

He nodded.

"Did he say why?"

"No, but I think I have a pretty good idea." She swallowed hard - the team would really be in pieces with Jack gone. The SGC just wouldn't be the same without him. More icing on the cake. Now she understood the depth of Daniel's reaction. The SGC would be losing their two highest ranking and most seasoned officers. And with that SG1 would cease to exist. Again she was speechless. "Anyways," Daniel continued as he toyed with the mug's position on the table, "...I was kind of hoping that you'd try to talk him out of it."

Sam stared blankly down at her coffee. The bubbles hugging the rim of her cup didn't have any answers for her yet she still stared hoping something would emerge telling her what to do. Things were getting complex. How would she even begin to have that conversation? "Look Daniel, I really don't think I'm the right person to -"

"I've already tried. He won't listen to me. Maybe he'll listen to you."

Hesitantly nodding, she realized that today was the day her whole world would come crashing down.

* * *

_to be continued..._


	14. Chapter 14

**Regretfully Yours...**

**** Author's Note: **I added a bit more to the end of this chapter since I left it hanging. Unfortunately I can't promise timely updates as I've lost my muse to write Sam/Jack... Maybe someday I'll finish this story.**  
**

* * *

She heard the doorknob turn and immediately snapped out of her trance. Shooting straight up from the couch even she could not anticipate the words that came out of her mouth next. "You selfish son of a bitch!" Her eyes red with anger; tear stained cheeks a snapshot of moments just passed.

Jack's eyes fixated on the angry Carter standing in his living room. His eyes dropped down to the piece of paper tightly fisted in her hand putting it all in context. Shit. She had found the letter.

"You weren't supposed to read that," he blandly offered closing the door behind him. Shrugging off his jacket he walked past her into the kitchen immediately searching for a desperately needed Guinness. Oh no - he was not getting away that easily! She followed him to the kitchen destroying his poor attempt at escaping. He twisted off the cap, tossed it across the room and chugged half of it knowing full well that this conversation was bound to happen eventually.

"How could you request a transfer from the SGC because of me?" Sam was raging, furious and crushed knowing that she had quite possibly lost the man she'd been waiting for. This was not the ending she was hoping for. He was just walking away from them – not that there was much of a "them" anyways.

The fridge slammed shut; bottles clinking in residual haste. He leaned against the counter ignoring her question and shooting one of his own. "Carter - what the hell are you doing here anyways?" He had written that letter in a moment of weakness. He never wanted her to read it. She had moved on and now it was his turn. But now that was all sideways and here she was in his kitchen.

She didn't really know what she was doing here. She thought she did, but now she wasn't so sure. She was coming to tell him to stay at the SGC. And when she didn't find him home, she used her key to get in and just wait for him. She was coming as a friend to tell him that the SGC would be lost without him – that was before she found the letter. And now? Now her hormones were on edge; she wanted to yell at him for keeping his feelings hidden, hit him for being so stupid and then crumble once she had gotten everything out that she'd wanted to say for such a long time.

"Why the transfer?" She demanded. "Why now?"

"It's none of your business Carter."

"And this letter? You're gonna tell me that this isn't any of my business either?" She countered still fisting the letter in her hand.

"Look, you came into my house – I didn't give you that goddamned letter!"

"So what you're moving to DC to be closer to your little fuck buddy? Is that it sir?" It was harsh – especially for Carter. She regretted it the moment it slipped out but it was already too late to take it back.

"Stand down Carter. It's none of your damned business."

"You don't have the balls to say anything to my face but you can write it in a fucking letter? Why the sudden shift to DC? Why now? I deserve at least that much of an explanation."

"Oh like the way I deserved to know that you were transferring to Area 51?"

She froze in place. "How did you –"

"I had to approve the transfer Carter! What? You thought you could just go over my head and send the requisition to General Hammond to be approved that way I wouldn't know about it? Oh and tell me this Carter - what the hell gives you the right to question my personal life when you have your own little boy toy back home?"

"Excuse me?"

"Oh, you heard me!"

"You have some nerve."

"I have some nerve? Why is it okay for you to have a fuck buddy and not me? Why does everything change the second Jack O'Neill decides to live a little. Huh? And why is it that you can request a transfer but I can't - why the double standard Carter? You have no damn say in my life so stay the hell out of it."

That last line hurt the most.

"Screw you." Throwing the letter to the ground she stormed out of his house slamming the door behind her.

Jack ran his hand over his face. "Fuck! Carter wait!" He darted out the door to stop her catching up to her just as she reached her car at the end of the driveway. "Carter, hang on a second."

She ignored him.

Jack placed his hand on the driver side door preventing her from opening it. "Look – I requested the transfer because I can't do it." She turned to face him.

"Do what?"

"See you married to someone else."

"You're better than that."

"That's where you're wrong Carter!" He ran his hands through his hair.

"Why!"

"Because I can't see you marrying Pete! " He screamed it at her, veins in his neck pumping full of raging blood.

"So you're running away? You're leaving the SGC to hide in Washington?"

"Oh please, you should talk Carter. I'm not the one running away to Area 51! General Hammond personally recommended me for this assignment – you requested to be transferred! A bit of a difference there!"

"How the hell am I supposed to have a life while working at the SGC?"

"So you're giving up your career for this guy now?"

"I'm not giving up anything!"

"The hell you're not! You're a field officer Carter – not some lab junkie! You're telling me that you actually chose to give up your job and that it wasn't Pete?"

"And what about you Jack? You just happened to accept an assignment in Washington which happens to be closer to CIA headquarters?"

"Leave Kerry out of this!"

"She has everything to do with this!"

"No Carter – believe it or not my "fuck buddy" left me when she found out the truth!"

It took her a minute to register that last line. "Wait – what?" She swallowed before bringing her voice back down. "Truth about what!"

"You read the letter Cater, you're a smart girl – I'm sure you can figure it out." He turned around and shoved his hands in his pocket as he tried to recompose himself – anger still pumping through his veins.

"Wait a minute – so Kerry left you …because of me?"

He nodded still not completely facing her.

"I, um, I broke off my engagement with Pete." She whispered as she leaned back against her car.

Jack's head snapped up. "What!" He almost yelled at her. Realizing that was probably not the best way to follow up, he moved closer to her and lowered his tone. This was the news he was waiting for – he should feel happy. But instead of being overjoyed that Pete was no longer in the picture, he could see the pain in Sam's eyes as they began to gloss over again. "Carter – what happened?"

She blinked back the tears. "Because. I couldn't put him through that… when I had feelings," her eyes finally met his, "…for someone else."

There had been an awkward silence between them giving it a few minutes to fester. This was not the way this was supposed to happen. It should have only taken a split second to register what was just said. They should have been undressed in a furry of emotions racing to unleash years of pent up angst and sexual frustration between the sheets of Jack's unmade bed. It should have been explosive.

But here they were, feeling the weight of their admissions. They were still not free to have a relationship with one another. The regulations were still there just as they were the day before and the 8 years before that. Jack was right – this was '118 all over again.

Sam spent a long time absently analyzing the keys in her hands. She swallowed the bitter pill and finally regained the ability to talk.

"So, what now?"

"So, what now." Jack repeated to himself. He looked over to her staring up at him with conflicted emotions. "Now, we go fishing," he said as the corner of his lip turned up in a half-smile.

* * *

_to be continued..._


End file.
